The Emotional Vampire - Part 3

It's been a very long time, but let's finish the saga...

Those of you who were in attendance at the wedding know that it went off without a hitch.  There were some behind-the-scenes emergencies (like my first flower bouquet that committed botanical suicide) but I reveled in my day with my psychic/energetic shield in place to reflect the Emotional Vampire's emotional sabotage.

Afterwards, the euphoria of relief and relaxation took over as it was finally over. The big day had come and gone... Will and I were finally free to live our life again without it looming huge and important in front of us.  We took a mini-moon and escaped the world while we patiently waited for hurricane season to pass before going to the Bahamas at a later date - it felt glorious to take some time and get back to a state of normalcy.  No more planning or preparations.  It was awesome.

Soon after the mini-moon, October had arrived and I was becoming increasingly dissatisfied with my boss at work (see previous blog posts: Dear Department, Part I; The Perfect Dozen). I also realized that I couldn't continue my life in that fashion.  I was surrounded by negativity, I never saw my good friends for long enough or often enough but I was routinely subjected to the EV's draining negativity.  It was ceaseless and had long crossed all sensible barriers of courtesy and consideration.

In fact, in a forgotten episode of the EV drama - she had come over to visit me shortly after my jaw was unwired... or maybe it was still wired... after my mandibular osteotomy.  Even at that time she managed to spend over an hour sobbing on my couch about her insanely dissatisfying romantic relationship.  I could only respond with mumbles and scribbling on a notepad with a sharpie... I was tired, I was in pain, I was hungry and slowly recovering...

Why would she lament at a person who can only respond by scribbling on a notepad with a Sharpie??

That may have seemed like a worthwhile question at some point in my life... but as my therapist, Dr. Gene, had said: "Why ask a question you'll never find the answer to and, even if you did find the answer, does not matter?"  He is a very wise man and I am a better person because of him.

PART THREE

I was relieved to have completed the final obligation.  Yes, having her in my wedding was my obligation to her.  I began to execute a slow plan to gently phase The EV out of my life.  She freaked the *eff* out and launched into an outrageous public tail-spin.  Fail.  I had the opportunity to come clean... and, again, I wussed out.

However, unknown to her, she put the last nail in that coffin herself.  For anyone who had ever ended a friendship/relationship with anyone... there is a singular moment of razor sharp clarity in your mind when there is complete silence in your mind and the decision is made.  And there is nothing that can be said or done following that pin-drop moment that can change your mind.  In the awkward wake of her catastrophic public meltdown (where I could see the guy behind her actively trying not to laugh-out-loud) there was an excruciating lull of impotent small talk.  In response to my palpable disinterest in her update on her "best friend's" baby she said, "You hate kids but for some reason you looOooove ******'s baby.  I don't even know why.  Are you going to love my kids?"

No.
No, I'm not.
NO, because my affections cannot be manipulated by guilt or demands.
NO, because I don't like you.
NO, because we will not know each other when these theoretical children arrive.

A major development in The EV's life arose and I had a chance to make my position clear and, yet again, I wussed out.  I even sought the professional advice of my therapist on how to make it plain what my intentions and feelings are - but my courage failed and it prolonged the problem.  I should've said something to the effect of: I am trying my best not to know you anymore, therefore, I would not like to be any further involved in your life... but I just used moving to Las Vegas as my excuse.

Since I missed the chance to be flatly honest, I had to redeem myself with the fallout that would ensue.  In true Emotional Vampire fashion, she lashed out with a vengeance - over text message and email.  It was angry, it was accusatory, it called out my lame excuse for what it was - a lame excuse.

At that moment, I had a choice.  I could've retaliated with a slew of messages that pointed out her every offense and my every self-righteous reason to kick her to the curb and not be any part of the hot mess in store for the future.  To devastate her with daggered opines of her relationship, her life... her as a person.  But!  That would've just been a replay of the same exact crap from our first fallout years and years ago.  It would've dragged on and on... and who does that hurt in the end?  Myself.  I would've been in emotional turmoil for days or weeks and then at the end I would've just been stuck being "friends" with The EV, again.

So, I sat down and worked through it with pen and paper:

• Anger is seductive.
• In this situation now: is it more important to be right or to keep harmonious peace?

5 Guarantees
1) I cannot control what The EV chooses to think: I am selfish w. a lame excuse.
2) I cannot control what The EV chooses to feel: extremely hurt, offended, & entitled.
3) I cannot control what The EV chooses to do: make me aware of my offenses... OR how The EV chooses to do it: by making me feel guilty/ashamed and telling everybody.
4) If I choose to do (or think I can change) any of the 1st 3 Guarantees...
5) I will feel: inadequate, frustrated, angry, and depressed.

What I Do Have Control Over
a) What I think: she's stupid & self-serving.
b) What I feel: annoyed she's trying to draw me into the drama.
c) What I do: stay firm
d) How I choose to respond/react to what The EV does: stay calm & rational, don't get seduced (by anger)!

5 Questions
1) What do I feel about this situation? See above.
2) What do I want in this situation? Not to be involved/obligated in ANY aspect of her life.
3) What do I need in this situation? For the drama to end here.
4) What am I responsible for/control in this situation? How I react, my emotions, my commitment.
5) What do I need to do to take care of myself? Acknowledge it was the right decision. Let go of my desire to be right. Not to unleash my fury & try to hurt her to get petty revenge.

So... I stayed neutral.  I fed her no energy.  I remained polite.  I held firm.  And, eventually, it worked.  She stopped contacting me altogether.

I felt it was important to dig out the above entries in my therapy journal because... this stuff is hard!  We all have certain Emotional Vampires in our life that come in all forms and, sometimes, we have to actively get rid of them by psychically shouting: GO AWAY!  I met up with an old friend this past weekend and we both shared how liberating it was to remove bad people in our lives, to move on, and to evolve.  To open up room for more worthwhile people.

I love my friends and would happily share their hardships and burdens in life.  Friends should be there to lend each other strength and lift the other person up when they can't do it themselves.  The friendship itself should never be the burden.  I am happy with all my friendships and relationships in this part of my life's journey.

Are you? :)

Suggestopedia... presto chango!

Woah!  Talk about a long hiatus... sorry to keep *all* (more like all 2) of you hanging in suspense!  Will I finish my riveting saga on the Emotional Vampire...?  Perhaps another day.  As for right now, I am posting my first discussion response from my Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages (TESOL) Certificate Program.  My official start date was today and it will last 15 weeks... wish me luck!

SUGGESTOPEDIA

The simultaneously mysterious and pseudoscientific appearance of the term suggestopedia immediately caught my attention. Upon a quick search for more information, I came upon OneStopEnglish.com and an article on suggestopedia written by Tim Bowen. Although the exact date of the article is unknown, it seems to be contemporary and was written as reference material for those visiting their website. I understand this is a very limited view of the theory and definitely welcome greater insights into its wonders.

Georgi Lozanov was a Bulgarian educator who developed suggestopedia in the 1970s and claimed that this method would accelerate memorization by up to 25 times the rate of other conventional learning methods.  He claimed that the power of positive suggestion through a relaxed and focused state created the optimum learning environment. This learning method ascribed a parent-child relationship to the teacher and learner, with the learner solely absorbing the lessons as doled out by the teacher.

Central to the method was the presence of music. In fact, lengthy formal dialogues would be read aloud to learners to the accompaniment of music and were known as “concert readings.” Interwoven into memorable pieces of classical music, the teacher’s voice was part of the symphony and learners were expected to absorb and internalize enormous amounts of dialogue and, therefore, building blocks of language, while in a heightened sense of focus, relaxation, and receptivity. At other times, less formal readings were conducted to a less severe regimen of background music. 

There is certainly merit in creating a nurturing physical, mental, and emotional environment for learning, but the operatic suggestopedia practices may be best left in the past. Of course, music can be massively helpful to the learning process sometimes - who doesn't remember singing the 50 States song in elementary school? With that said, although there are many advertisement jingles that I will never, ever be able to remove from my memory (… where you wouldn’t have a gotten a lemon… I wouldn’t have gotten a lemon? ... at Toyota of Orange...), I will have to subscribe to the opinion of the many critics who declare suggestopedia as a method containing no apparent theory of language or learning and produced inconclusive results.

http://www.onestopenglish.com/support/methodology/teaching-approaches/teaching-approaches-what-is-suggestopedia/146499.article

The Emotional Vampire - Part 2

In the last installment, my inexperience in how to cut the proverbial cord really served as a disservice to myself.  The signs were all there and my resolve had been momentarily strong - I shelled out like $300 bucks for an impromptu one way ticket home!  POW!

Alas!  The naiveté of youth invariably diminishes the warnings of danger and turns us into warriors with a cause.  Challenges to our egos must be met with fervent rebuttals!  Affronts to our sensibilities must be countered with courageous admissions of equal and opposite effrontery!  Hear me roar!!!!

I foolhardily dove headlong into the back-and-forth rally of explanations and examples to quantify and justify the multitude of negative and confusing feelings I had at that time.  Back then, it was important... no... NECESSARY to "be right."  I had to substantiate how ridiculous, absurd, and offensive the EV was being.  I had to prooooove that the EV was selfish, rude, and obnoxious.

In hindsight, it's because I wanted to make sure the EV and everyone else who heard the second-hand story would know the problem wasn't me.  Why?  Most of us care so much about how we are perceived by others that we go to great lengths to preserve our social image.  We don't want to be seen as people who just arbitrarily quit friendships without a litany of adequate reasons.  (Hellooooo, we're not MEAN, duh!)  We beat around the bush and load up on long lists of every little thing wrong with the other person ever and why they are unbearable to be around - just so we could never be thought of as a mean person, an unreasonable person, a bitch.

Sometimes... most times, actually... it is sufficient to simply admit it sucks being around a certain someone.  It doesn't feel good.  It's actively unpleasant.  The presence of this other person is not enjoyable.  Whether it's a relationship, friendship, or acquaintanceship - it's OK to just simply say to yourself: "It's not me. It's them."

Unfortunately, that was one lengthy life lesson that took quite a few years to learn.  Not just with this one Emotional Vampire but with the huge cast of equally as menacing characters who paraded through the past decade of my life.  The temptation to explain and retort was always irresistible.  The urge to "be right" was always just too strong.  *sigh*

It's understandable... annoying... but understandable.  I forgive you, younger me.

PART TWO

That same year I experienced a big milestone - engagement.  I waited and held off breaking the news until it could not
be avoided anymore... only because I knew the EV expected a position in my wedding, as was repeated to me over and over again "you better thank you in your wedding speech."  The regret that I felt then would only be augmented by time.  The following years saw many changes in the course of my life... and the EV's presence is permanently inserted into all those moments - the way you're reminded of a pebble's presence with each step that you take.  Clearly ingrained in all of those memories are the vivid images of the forced, sad smiles lurking within the celebrations of my successes.  The feeble smile of someone who outwardly professed to be happy for you, but inwardly was calculating the disappointments of their own life.

Outside of the wedding machine, each conversation became more painful to participate in.  There came a distinct moment when I arrived at the realization that the EV only wanted to hear about the bad/negative/unhappy things.  Drama was like food.  Distress and lamentation were the slippery cocktails that eased the bolus down the insidious passage.

As my wedding date approached, I decided to make a last ditch effort to give this thing a final whirl.  I laid out the fact that our interactions were limited to meeting for dinner and listening to endless recapping of ALL of the gossip concerning ALL of the other people in the EV's life.  Even stuff that was in nooooo way related to annnnnnything or annnnnnnnyone!  We were not building a meaningful connection based on any kind of new experiences, mutual hobbies, or even any common ground.  It was getting so hard to pretend to be interested in blah blah blah's crazy relationship or so and so's weight issues or etc. etc. etc.'s offenses.  Throughout these drab meals where I would tune out and tune back in with innocuous generic responses and nodding - I had a running dialogue inside my head that sounded something like: I DON'T CARE!!!!!!

And I was getting so sick of the EV asking me questions about my wedding for the sake of gathering vital information for some future, not-yet-existent wedding.  And the eager gleam in those greedy eyes as the endless probing into problems continued for hours on end - to taste all the delicious morsels of each pitiful detail of things gone wrong... The EV actually smiles unconsciously as utterances of "that's so crazy!" or "I can't believe it!" or whatever else that sounds sympathetic, escape with delight.

Anyway, we went on a trip and it fell completely apart.  Not only was the EV truly a bore to be with, it was quite apparent that we no longer had anything in common.  And worse, an already deficient personality had deteriorated even further by this time, warped by the bitterness of time, disappointment, and stagnation.  It was grotesque beyond reconciliation.  It was awful.  Still worse, things came to a blow and if we had not arrived in one car and it was impossible for me to remove myself from the situation - I would've left.  In the same evening, I was frustrated and angered beyond the point of no return and unleashed my fury... albeit the message was unclear because I could not say: "I wish I could time travel and remove you from my life before I ever met you."  Once again, as my therapist has told me, I wussed out.


Since it was too late to do anything else, I bore through the awkwardly conflicting feelings of keeping the EV in my wedding and continued.  The EV was unreliable - constantly making suggestions with no follow through.  The big moment was no longer mine to savor. The EV's own agenda was projected onto my big day.  Strong attempts were made to manipulate the entire schedule around the EV's weight loss in the months before and even on the morning of for a special hair appointment.  When I put my foot down and advised that if a hair dye job, cut, dry, and up-do styling cannot be accomplished by 10am sharp, then alternative arrangements will have to be made to ensure a timely arrival.

She. Blew. Up.
Nuclear style.
Emotional Vampire style.

ANGER - How dare I lay this on her after she made plans!  NARCISSISM - She must have the freshest dyed hair possible for zero possibilities of any gray hairs to make their way into the wedding photos!  GUILT - She's already done so much and took pains to accommodate my agenda, how could I take away this one single thing she needed?!  RIGHTEOUSNESS - Why did she even need to be there anyway?? The makeup artist can just start on the other girls! Why does she need to be there to watch me, the bride, get ready... she saaaaaid she'll make it in time for the pictures already, geez!   DRAMA - It's SO UNFAIR!  I'm going back on my word, changing my mind!!  FINE.  But it's SO UNFAIR.

The EV was spiritually hi-jacking my wedding and self-elevating to bride status.  It was insane.  The situation was so dire that I had to book an emergency session with my energy healer to cut the cord on her negative, draining attention and put up a shield.  I am not joking.  It was expensive.

stay tuned...

The Emotional Vampire - Part 1

Ever lived by the philosophy of never burning any bridges?  Stop living by it and simplify your life!

I began writing this real-life story about a month ago.  At that time, it seemed spiteful and maybe a tad
unsavory.  Upon the suggestion of a voice of reason, I decided not to post it.  Now that the feelings behind the reason to write the story have subsided... it feels very reasonable and cathartic to share the journey.  One of my demons has always been my inability to let go.

As time have passed, I've had plenty of practice letting go of small things and big things... and each instance would be difficult but it would always lead to a higher level of self discovery and personal growth.  I hope my reflective cautionary tale will serve to remind any of you reading that if there is someone in your life that you find incredibly boring, tiresome, draining, dramatic, irrational, repetitive, negative, calculating, judgmental, critical, entitled, and just generally a waste of time... get rid of them!  You'll be better off.

PART ONE

Today marks the successful end to an arduous and long process to remove a very unrelenting emotional vampire, aka EV, in my life.  As I came across evidence that this person has clearly moved on from the EV's fixation on 'us' - I was filled with relief and a personal sense of closure and triumph.

When I was in the worst leg of the journey in my early adult life - I came across this person and forged a bond out of a mutual affinity for complaining and ranting, ridiculous relationships, and an overall addiction to negative energy.  What I thought was a strong friendship turned out to be a ball and chain tethering me to the worst emotional history of my adult life.

During my attempts to lift myself from the pit of self-doubt and ambivalence by pursuing a career in acupuncture, the first signs of extreme incompatibility came rising out of the mire.  The EV came out in true form and lamented about abandonment and my lack of consideration.  How could you be so inconsiderate?  How could you be so selfish?  How could you clearly be such a bad friend when you were supposed to be a good one?  What about ME?!?!  Although I could not see it at the time, in retrospect, it is the first telling moment that the EV is a self-absorbed, victim-type emotional vampire.

In that same year, the first fall-out occurred.  After being force fed extreme guilt and obligation to go on a trip with mutual acquaintances - I embarked on the vacation while battling a relapse into a chronic condition I suffered mostly from ages 19 to 21.  I was diagnosed with IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and it had been on-and-off in severity for a couple years back then.  I was really embarrassed about it because of the nature of the syndrome, obviously, and that there was no cure or even tried-and-true symptom management.  Despite voicing my concerns, I was basically forced into committing to the trip... even after explaining that alcohol and lavish meals were pretty much the WORST things for my condition.  And I had no money as a student in a masters program... but I had to go because I had promised I'd go!!!  It was a disaster in its own right without any additional health complications and I decided to end it then and there.  I booked an early flight and went home before it was over and decided it was time to ditch the awful friendship.

Back then, I did not have all the wisdom and fancy psycho-therapy to simply continue walking away and never look back.  We went back and forth, back and forth, and back and forth... until we just became "friends" again.  The irreversible damages of that incident carried through in my mind for about two years as I navigated through the difficulties of my failed first career path.  I decided to pursue a new career path... and the EVwas there to vapidly cheer me on.  Yay...

Delusional B*tch

Here is another delightful little short story that I wrote about another unforgettable character I had encountered in my young adult life.  Another chapter in the life I lived in the place that I will soon be leaving behind...

DELUSIONAL B*TCH

            Kristen always complained about her boyfriend.  They met in a pastry shop, very apropos, him being French and all.  It wasn’t long before he was rechristened Le Douche by a tribunal of her closest friends – not to her face, of course.  We're critical, not crass.     

Anyway, he never wanted her around when his friends were over.  He wasn’t supportive of her career goals.  He never liked her cat and wouldn’t agree to feed him when she had an out-of-town emergency.  She shelled out four hundred dollars to ship the little fellow up to her parents for temporary accommodations.   It was a one-way ticket. 

Through all of that, she held a dogged determination to make their relationship work.

She frequently initiated couple-negotiations - a delicate foxtrot of tit for tat.  Sometimes it works out for the better and the relationship will coast along until new problems arise or the old ones rear their ugly heads.

In Kristen’s case, it just started looking like a sad doe-see-doe with a three-legged donkey.  She took a step forward, he took one back.  She gave a little and he gave littler.  She suggested solutions and strategies, and he refused to compromise.

To everyone else, it was plainly obvious that she was basically just gimping around in a circle with a teetering jackass.  To her, it was progress.

            After the completion of a particularly demanding round of couple-negotiation, their concessions thus stood:  He promised to be more involved with her life if she gave up the three D’s - drinking, dancing and dressing up.

More involved with her life… what does that even mean??  And was that really a fair trade?  As we well know, there is something sacred about a group of girls getting gussied up and going out on a Friday night.  It is a holy bonding ritual known as Girls’ Night Out.  It has been around for as long as the sexes themselves have.  That tangible urge to walk out the door smelling good and looking hot, leaving your man’s dumbassery behind for one night.  It is a deeply rooted natural impulse.

It’s like that documentary, “March of the Penguins.”  Every year those penguin mamas roll their precious little egg to the dad penguins, give a belly bump and go, See ya, bitches! as they leave the males huddling in the dark for four months. 

Well, giving up those three D’s still left many recreational opportunities open to her such as… office parties.  Those are minimal in the fun department but only require 1.5 out of 3 D’s: you drink enough to survive and kind of dress up in a conservative fashion.  Unfortunately, Girls Night Out absolutely necessitates all three components.  So, she gave it up cold turkey.  Just like that.  

That is the serious face of  a girl who is dedicated to her relationship.  I applaud her ascetic attitude.  It takes a blinding level of commitment to embrace that much bullsh*it.  However, let the record reflect that she still couldn’t be around when his friends came over.  She complacently put her school applications on the back burner.  Oh, and she still didn’t have her cat.

I couldn’t tell you for sure but I think feminist penguins everywhere spit on ice-chiseled effigies of her that day. 

So the days droned on and things must have settled down because I didn’t really hear much about their problems anymore.  In fact, nobody really heard anything from her anymore.  It’s like she just fell off the face off the Earth.  Then, crap hit the always prevalent proverbial fan.

One day, Kristen got a phone call from Douche’s wife.  Go ahead, read that sentence again.  Uhhhhhh-huh.  After some initial clarification that they were in fact speaking about the same man and who was voulez-vouz coucher-ing whom; it was all sorted out.  While Monsieur Double Douche here had been dating Kristen for three and half years, he had been married to Madame Douche for four. 

When someone breaks news like that to you, it’s like being sucker punched in the gut right below the diaphragm.  It leaves you gasping and reeling for breath.  I was developing pictures at a CVS pharmacy (yeah, that’s how I roll) when she called to share her misery.  I didn’t know what to say.  This was uncharted territory, even for me, and I wasn’t sure how to tread the waters.  

Sure, everyone knew he was a jackass and we even expected something like this, maybe in less monumental proportions, to happen sooner or later.  But you just can’t say that to a girl friend who was freshly wounded, no matter how obvious it was or how much you wanted to throw some salt on it as payback for the months of being ditched for that loser.

So, I went along with it.  What?!  OMG!! Are you sure?  Shut up!  I never saw this coming in a MILLION years!!! AHHH!!  I’m so sorry. *audible pout*

Naturally, she confronted Le Douche.  Apparently, she was just some woman he met at the farmer’s market when he first arrived in America.  She knew he needed a green card to stay and work in this country so she offered to engage in a sham marriage in return for some money every month.  He had been paying her every month for four years and that was the extent of their relationship.  In the past few weeks, she had found out about his romantic relationship with Kristen and must have become scared she would lose an easy income, so, decided to start some drama to make Kristen leave.

           What a heaping pile of crap!  You know it and I know it but Kristen ate it all up.  He was just an unfortunate soul caught up in a faulty system, trying to chase the elusive American Dream.  She even offered to marry him - on paper only, of course - because she’s not trying to take advantage of the situation and press him into a relationship commitment that he wasn’t ready to make.  He cried and exclaimed that he couldn’t believe his unbelievable fortune to have such a loving and understanding girlfriend.
           I could not decipher what I was witnessing.  It was mind-numbingly bizarre how happy this turn of events made her.  It was like having a front row seat at the Stockholm Syndrome matinee.  Of course, her friends began chiseling away at the obvious plot holes of this sad show.  Like, if Mrs. Douche was indeed just a financially driven entity, why did she keep on leaving Kristen voicemails and text messages that called her a prostitute in a multitude of phrases and languages?  She pleasantly explained our skepticism away and told us we just didn’t get it.
           The matinee was followed by an encore prime time performance when Kristen’s car was keyed while it was parked in his driveway.  Not only that, but the wife was actually screaming obscenities at the top of her lungs.  Monsieur Douche rushed out to deal with the spectacle.  Meanwhile, an astounded Kristen peaked out through the curtains, not knowing what to do and too shocked and scared to do anything but stare with her mouth open.
           When it was all over, Kristen demanded answers.  Even she could recognize the telltale signs of a bona fide jilted lover.  At that point, he divulged the untold chapters of his epic journey.  Everything he had told her about their sham marriage was "true."  He just left out the part that they had finally consummated the marriage just six months prior.
           So, there you have it.  Not only was he a sham-married man when he met Kristen.  But according to his latest news flash, he actually dated her for three years before cheating on her with his sham-wife.  Now, that's a lot to digest.
           She left his house that day, reeling with emotions.  She was hurt beyond all else and cried to everyone who would commiserate with her.  She spent a good solid few days without any communications with him.  She didn’t answer his calls.  She refused to read his texts.  She hung out with a circle of close friends who gave her the strength and emotional support she really needed.
           Days turned into a whole week.  Followed by days that had almost turned into another whole week when she broke the news.
           Yes, they were back together.
           Sometime during the unsupervised hours of alone time she had at home, he managed to reach through and rub her weak spot.  He had spent the past dozen of lonely nights marinating in remorse and sorting through his life.  He realized the folly of his ways and was ready to be a real man.  He wanted Kristen.  He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.  And he wanted to have babies with her.  To prove his sincerity, he signed some packet of divorce papers in front of her.  He told her how relieved he felt to no longer live a double life and once everything was settled legally, their life can finally commence.  Everything she had ever wanted from their relationship was laid out before her, ready for the taking should she choose to accept.  He knew just what to do with her weak spot and her brittle psyche went into a literal mind-gasm.
           Kristen basked in the glowing climax of her relationship.  And like other climaxes, it’s hard to think clearly when your system is running rampant with all those crazy chemicals and feelings.  They re-entered couple-negotiation and this time it was a huge success.  He encouraged her to pursue the education that she wanted, even if it meant she would have to go to another state.  He wanted her to move in with him.  She could bring her cat too.
           Wow, things were on the up and up!
           Ok, the sane women of this planet can see right through the bullsh*t.  A Delusional B*tch, unfortunately, cannot.  She looks at the world through opaque lenses of happy daisies painted on by the Douches of the world.  And she loves it!
           She would never take off those rose-colored goggles.  Are you kidding?  She has everything she ever wanted, ever dreamt of, in the relationship she had single handedly fought so hard for.  She paid her dues.  She EARNED those blinders.
           Empowered by her newfound sense of adequacy, she packed up all her stuff and moved in with him that weekend.  She fabricated a story about her landlord needing to end the lease early because he wanted to remodel the unit.  He never expected that she could have possibly moved in so quickly, but made it clear that he was very, very pleasantly surprised.  She had her keyed car painted a different color, and paid for the paint job with the fictitious deposit that her landlord had returned to her.  She no longer needed to disappear when his friends came over, yay.
           The funny thing was… nobody came over.  Ever.
           Girls’ Night Out remained absent from the menu, not that she was interested in such things anymore now that she was a domesticated woman, and she quickly fell off the face of the Earth – again.
           The last anyone had heard, she left briefly for some graduate program in Alaska.  He was overjoyed for her, which led her to quickly change her mind and she dropped it and moved back.  

Plans for bringing back kitty never coagulated… we’ll just have to write him off as unfortunate collateral damage.  He still goes to the sham-wife’s apartment to pay her and work towards a divorce that wouldn’t raise the eyebrows of Immigration and Naturalization Services.  

How does he pay her and in what way is he doing this supposed paying?  We’ll never know.

Kristen is still patiently waiting for him to propose to her and start having those babies that were promised to her.  It has been six years.

THE END

P.S. - That wasn't quite the end.  The anonymous and declared-to-be fictitious heroine of this particular story recently announced their engagement.  After dedicating herself to the relationship against all reason and sensibility for nearly a decade, it seems happiness shall be in their horizon.  It is my deepest hope to avoid being subjected to witness any more ridiculous events unfold and that, if any should occur within the periphery of my awareness, they will have the decency to keep it quietly to themselves.

Dear Department, Part I

Some of you may know that I have a somewhat tumultuous relationship with my supervisor.  For anonymity's sake we shall call her Evil Boss.  The emotional turmoil has been going on since April... it subsided temporarily in August as a result of me going to the Chief. Then she began to rear her ugly head again in September but I left for a small chunk in the middle for the wedding. *Refer to October 2012 post: Forever, Here We Come!*

When I came back on October 1, Evil Boss was back in business.  For some historical context here... she has targeted and pursued multiple coworkers in the past.  Several of which no longer work at my office anymore.  (P2 - I KNOW YOU'RE READING THIS!)  Anyway, for those of you who really know me... I am not one to just take it.  I mean, I try to be as polite and respectful and professional as any other person at work - and I put on a good front - but I have a limit.  Some of you have seen me reach this limit, and a select few of you have seen me blow past the limit.  I'll admit it, sometimes I lose my marbles.  If I had to choose a geological entity to identify my personality - I would have to say Volcano.  If I had a totem animal - it would be the Sonoran Desert Grasshopper Mouse (Seriously, this mouse hunts like a cat, howls like a wolf, and KILLS for a living).  But it's freaking adorable.

Although, I really haven't been keeping it cool - I often sit at my cubicle and shake with overwhelming anger.  But I am a mature, professional woman working for a government agency... with parents who really, really, really emphasize the importance of being a good worker.  I'm not going to bust into her office and tell her a piece of my mind!  That's just going to make me look psycho!  Especially since she is that insidious type of workplace bully.  She never steps out of line publicly.  She will ALWAYS make you come to her office, close the door, and sit down. *shudder*

At any rate... things have escalated at a very rapid rate as of late and Evil Boss is no longer tolerable.  I have written a 4 page letter which I intend to send to HR, the Chief, Assistant Director, Director, The Union, and the Ethics Committee.  I won't include the entire thing but I'll include what I've been dealing with this past week...

                On October 31, the current Training Coordinator informed me that *Evil Boss* engaged her in a conversation specifically regarding me that day.  *Evil Boss* asked her if I was happy with my job because I did not seem “invested.”  *Evil Boss* also told her that I missed a lot of work and have not even tried to do any cross-training.  While I felt her private workplace bully antics to be something I could personally overcome, I found this highly prejudicial public mischaracterization of my work ethic, performance, and attendance record to be completely out of line both ethically and professionally.  I had previously grown to distrust *Evil Boss* with personal or medical information but never suspected she would breach the level of confidentiality and discretion expected of a supervisor.

                On Novermber 1, *Evil Boss* refused to let me use Sick Leave Other (SLO) on Kronos *timekeeping software* because I did not use the words “medical” and “family” at any time of my request, nor did I notify her of my intention to use SLO upon returning.  I consulted *HR Lady* regarding this specific timekeeping regulation matter and e-mailed *Evil Boss* the instructions from *HR Lady*.  She came to my desk and asked me to follow her to her office.  She had already begun walking away when I asked her what the meeting was for.  She turned back and asked me to come to her office again, and I refused.  At which point she said, “Ok, we can do it here if you want.”  She flipped open the Memorandum of Agreement (MOA) and began quoting it to me.  I brought up my conversation with *HR Lady* and she interrupted with the following: “I just went upstairs to talk to *HR Lady* and corrected her.”  She read the MOA aloud again and then stated, “I am the appointing authority and I can request verification.”  I explained that it was my understanding a doctor’s note was only required if I missed three or more days of work.  She stated that she was not asking for a note.  To which I replied, “Then what are you asking for?”  She restated that I could not use SLO and I announced I would use another code.  She walked away.

                *Evil Boss* actively undermines her subordinates’ relationships with Human Resources (HR) and upper management.  I found this episode to be highly embarrassing and completely unnecessary.  It also proved that HR could not assist me in my grievous interactions with *Evil Boss*.  It elicited a strong emotional response from me as I felt very humiliated and offended.  I have, on other occasions, been extremely frustrated by her actions to a point where my hands would shake.  I have even missed or left work as a result of interactions with her.

                On the morning of November 2, *Evil Boss* and I exchanged e-mails that were copied to *2 HR Ladies* in continuation of this matter.  The final action was *Evil Boss* walking up to me and brusquely placing a copied page of the MOA on my desk with two highlighted sections.  At this time, I began to feel extremely ill.  The symptoms were unrecognizable to me and I made an urgent appointment at Kaiser Permanente using their website.  Soon after, my condition worsened and I called their hotline.  After answering screening questions, the nurse recommended that I go to the Emergency Room immediately and that I do not drive.  After ruling out a cardiac event, I visited my regular physician who conducted further diagnostic evaluations.

                I have been placed off of work from November 2 through November 18, during which time I will seek additional treatment as prescribed and referred by my physician.  I am also actively pursuing enrollment in the Employee Assistance Program.  I am filing an official complaint against *Evil Boss* and a worker’s compensation claim.

EPILOGUE: I was diagnosed with an Acute Anxiety Attack and Generalized Anxiety.... caused by EVIL BOSS!  My doctor placed me off work for 2 weeks, prescribed medication, and gave me a psychiatric referral.  That witch sent me to the looney bin!  I loathe her.  I am seeking a 2nd opinion on how to order HER a psychiatric referral.  *scowl*