The Emotional Vampire - Part 3

It's been a very long time, but let's finish the saga...

Those of you who were in attendance at the wedding know that it went off without a hitch.  There were some behind-the-scenes emergencies (like my first flower bouquet that committed botanical suicide) but I reveled in my day with my psychic/energetic shield in place to reflect the Emotional Vampire's emotional sabotage.

Afterwards, the euphoria of relief and relaxation took over as it was finally over. The big day had come and gone... Will and I were finally free to live our life again without it looming huge and important in front of us.  We took a mini-moon and escaped the world while we patiently waited for hurricane season to pass before going to the Bahamas at a later date - it felt glorious to take some time and get back to a state of normalcy.  No more planning or preparations.  It was awesome.

Soon after the mini-moon, October had arrived and I was becoming increasingly dissatisfied with my boss at work (see previous blog posts: Dear Department, Part I; The Perfect Dozen). I also realized that I couldn't continue my life in that fashion.  I was surrounded by negativity, I never saw my good friends for long enough or often enough but I was routinely subjected to the EV's draining negativity.  It was ceaseless and had long crossed all sensible barriers of courtesy and consideration.

In fact, in a forgotten episode of the EV drama - she had come over to visit me shortly after my jaw was unwired... or maybe it was still wired... after my mandibular osteotomy.  Even at that time she managed to spend over an hour sobbing on my couch about her insanely dissatisfying romantic relationship.  I could only respond with mumbles and scribbling on a notepad with a sharpie... I was tired, I was in pain, I was hungry and slowly recovering...

Why would she lament at a person who can only respond by scribbling on a notepad with a Sharpie??

That may have seemed like a worthwhile question at some point in my life... but as my therapist, Dr. Gene, had said: "Why ask a question you'll never find the answer to and, even if you did find the answer, does not matter?"  He is a very wise man and I am a better person because of him.

PART THREE

I was relieved to have completed the final obligation.  Yes, having her in my wedding was my obligation to her.  I began to execute a slow plan to gently phase The EV out of my life.  She freaked the *eff* out and launched into an outrageous public tail-spin.  Fail.  I had the opportunity to come clean... and, again, I wussed out.

However, unknown to her, she put the last nail in that coffin herself.  For anyone who had ever ended a friendship/relationship with anyone... there is a singular moment of razor sharp clarity in your mind when there is complete silence in your mind and the decision is made.  And there is nothing that can be said or done following that pin-drop moment that can change your mind.  In the awkward wake of her catastrophic public meltdown (where I could see the guy behind her actively trying not to laugh-out-loud) there was an excruciating lull of impotent small talk.  In response to my palpable disinterest in her update on her "best friend's" baby she said, "You hate kids but for some reason you looOooove ******'s baby.  I don't even know why.  Are you going to love my kids?"

No.
No, I'm not.
NO, because my affections cannot be manipulated by guilt or demands.
NO, because I don't like you.
NO, because we will not know each other when these theoretical children arrive.

A major development in The EV's life arose and I had a chance to make my position clear and, yet again, I wussed out.  I even sought the professional advice of my therapist on how to make it plain what my intentions and feelings are - but my courage failed and it prolonged the problem.  I should've said something to the effect of: I am trying my best not to know you anymore, therefore, I would not like to be any further involved in your life... but I just used moving to Las Vegas as my excuse.

Since I missed the chance to be flatly honest, I had to redeem myself with the fallout that would ensue.  In true Emotional Vampire fashion, she lashed out with a vengeance - over text message and email.  It was angry, it was accusatory, it called out my lame excuse for what it was - a lame excuse.

At that moment, I had a choice.  I could've retaliated with a slew of messages that pointed out her every offense and my every self-righteous reason to kick her to the curb and not be any part of the hot mess in store for the future.  To devastate her with daggered opines of her relationship, her life... her as a person.  But!  That would've just been a replay of the same exact crap from our first fallout years and years ago.  It would've dragged on and on... and who does that hurt in the end?  Myself.  I would've been in emotional turmoil for days or weeks and then at the end I would've just been stuck being "friends" with The EV, again.

So, I sat down and worked through it with pen and paper:

• Anger is seductive.
• In this situation now: is it more important to be right or to keep harmonious peace?

5 Guarantees
1) I cannot control what The EV chooses to think: I am selfish w. a lame excuse.
2) I cannot control what The EV chooses to feel: extremely hurt, offended, & entitled.
3) I cannot control what The EV chooses to do: make me aware of my offenses... OR how The EV chooses to do it: by making me feel guilty/ashamed and telling everybody.
4) If I choose to do (or think I can change) any of the 1st 3 Guarantees...
5) I will feel: inadequate, frustrated, angry, and depressed.

What I Do Have Control Over
a) What I think: she's stupid & self-serving.
b) What I feel: annoyed she's trying to draw me into the drama.
c) What I do: stay firm
d) How I choose to respond/react to what The EV does: stay calm & rational, don't get seduced (by anger)!

5 Questions
1) What do I feel about this situation? See above.
2) What do I want in this situation? Not to be involved/obligated in ANY aspect of her life.
3) What do I need in this situation? For the drama to end here.
4) What am I responsible for/control in this situation? How I react, my emotions, my commitment.
5) What do I need to do to take care of myself? Acknowledge it was the right decision. Let go of my desire to be right. Not to unleash my fury & try to hurt her to get petty revenge.

So... I stayed neutral.  I fed her no energy.  I remained polite.  I held firm.  And, eventually, it worked.  She stopped contacting me altogether.

I felt it was important to dig out the above entries in my therapy journal because... this stuff is hard!  We all have certain Emotional Vampires in our life that come in all forms and, sometimes, we have to actively get rid of them by psychically shouting: GO AWAY!  I met up with an old friend this past weekend and we both shared how liberating it was to remove bad people in our lives, to move on, and to evolve.  To open up room for more worthwhile people.

I love my friends and would happily share their hardships and burdens in life.  Friends should be there to lend each other strength and lift the other person up when they can't do it themselves.  The friendship itself should never be the burden.  I am happy with all my friendships and relationships in this part of my life's journey.

Are you? :)