The Emotional Vampire - Part 2

In the last installment, my inexperience in how to cut the proverbial cord really served as a disservice to myself.  The signs were all there and my resolve had been momentarily strong - I shelled out like $300 bucks for an impromptu one way ticket home!  POW!

Alas!  The naiveté of youth invariably diminishes the warnings of danger and turns us into warriors with a cause.  Challenges to our egos must be met with fervent rebuttals!  Affronts to our sensibilities must be countered with courageous admissions of equal and opposite effrontery!  Hear me roar!!!!

I foolhardily dove headlong into the back-and-forth rally of explanations and examples to quantify and justify the multitude of negative and confusing feelings I had at that time.  Back then, it was important... no... NECESSARY to "be right."  I had to substantiate how ridiculous, absurd, and offensive the EV was being.  I had to prooooove that the EV was selfish, rude, and obnoxious.

In hindsight, it's because I wanted to make sure the EV and everyone else who heard the second-hand story would know the problem wasn't me.  Why?  Most of us care so much about how we are perceived by others that we go to great lengths to preserve our social image.  We don't want to be seen as people who just arbitrarily quit friendships without a litany of adequate reasons.  (Hellooooo, we're not MEAN, duh!)  We beat around the bush and load up on long lists of every little thing wrong with the other person ever and why they are unbearable to be around - just so we could never be thought of as a mean person, an unreasonable person, a bitch.

Sometimes... most times, actually... it is sufficient to simply admit it sucks being around a certain someone.  It doesn't feel good.  It's actively unpleasant.  The presence of this other person is not enjoyable.  Whether it's a relationship, friendship, or acquaintanceship - it's OK to just simply say to yourself: "It's not me. It's them."

Unfortunately, that was one lengthy life lesson that took quite a few years to learn.  Not just with this one Emotional Vampire but with the huge cast of equally as menacing characters who paraded through the past decade of my life.  The temptation to explain and retort was always irresistible.  The urge to "be right" was always just too strong.  *sigh*

It's understandable... annoying... but understandable.  I forgive you, younger me.

PART TWO

That same year I experienced a big milestone - engagement.  I waited and held off breaking the news until it could not
be avoided anymore... only because I knew the EV expected a position in my wedding, as was repeated to me over and over again "you better thank you in your wedding speech."  The regret that I felt then would only be augmented by time.  The following years saw many changes in the course of my life... and the EV's presence is permanently inserted into all those moments - the way you're reminded of a pebble's presence with each step that you take.  Clearly ingrained in all of those memories are the vivid images of the forced, sad smiles lurking within the celebrations of my successes.  The feeble smile of someone who outwardly professed to be happy for you, but inwardly was calculating the disappointments of their own life.

Outside of the wedding machine, each conversation became more painful to participate in.  There came a distinct moment when I arrived at the realization that the EV only wanted to hear about the bad/negative/unhappy things.  Drama was like food.  Distress and lamentation were the slippery cocktails that eased the bolus down the insidious passage.

As my wedding date approached, I decided to make a last ditch effort to give this thing a final whirl.  I laid out the fact that our interactions were limited to meeting for dinner and listening to endless recapping of ALL of the gossip concerning ALL of the other people in the EV's life.  Even stuff that was in nooooo way related to annnnnnything or annnnnnnnyone!  We were not building a meaningful connection based on any kind of new experiences, mutual hobbies, or even any common ground.  It was getting so hard to pretend to be interested in blah blah blah's crazy relationship or so and so's weight issues or etc. etc. etc.'s offenses.  Throughout these drab meals where I would tune out and tune back in with innocuous generic responses and nodding - I had a running dialogue inside my head that sounded something like: I DON'T CARE!!!!!!

And I was getting so sick of the EV asking me questions about my wedding for the sake of gathering vital information for some future, not-yet-existent wedding.  And the eager gleam in those greedy eyes as the endless probing into problems continued for hours on end - to taste all the delicious morsels of each pitiful detail of things gone wrong... The EV actually smiles unconsciously as utterances of "that's so crazy!" or "I can't believe it!" or whatever else that sounds sympathetic, escape with delight.

Anyway, we went on a trip and it fell completely apart.  Not only was the EV truly a bore to be with, it was quite apparent that we no longer had anything in common.  And worse, an already deficient personality had deteriorated even further by this time, warped by the bitterness of time, disappointment, and stagnation.  It was grotesque beyond reconciliation.  It was awful.  Still worse, things came to a blow and if we had not arrived in one car and it was impossible for me to remove myself from the situation - I would've left.  In the same evening, I was frustrated and angered beyond the point of no return and unleashed my fury... albeit the message was unclear because I could not say: "I wish I could time travel and remove you from my life before I ever met you."  Once again, as my therapist has told me, I wussed out.


Since it was too late to do anything else, I bore through the awkwardly conflicting feelings of keeping the EV in my wedding and continued.  The EV was unreliable - constantly making suggestions with no follow through.  The big moment was no longer mine to savor. The EV's own agenda was projected onto my big day.  Strong attempts were made to manipulate the entire schedule around the EV's weight loss in the months before and even on the morning of for a special hair appointment.  When I put my foot down and advised that if a hair dye job, cut, dry, and up-do styling cannot be accomplished by 10am sharp, then alternative arrangements will have to be made to ensure a timely arrival.

She. Blew. Up.
Nuclear style.
Emotional Vampire style.

ANGER - How dare I lay this on her after she made plans!  NARCISSISM - She must have the freshest dyed hair possible for zero possibilities of any gray hairs to make their way into the wedding photos!  GUILT - She's already done so much and took pains to accommodate my agenda, how could I take away this one single thing she needed?!  RIGHTEOUSNESS - Why did she even need to be there anyway?? The makeup artist can just start on the other girls! Why does she need to be there to watch me, the bride, get ready... she saaaaaid she'll make it in time for the pictures already, geez!   DRAMA - It's SO UNFAIR!  I'm going back on my word, changing my mind!!  FINE.  But it's SO UNFAIR.

The EV was spiritually hi-jacking my wedding and self-elevating to bride status.  It was insane.  The situation was so dire that I had to book an emergency session with my energy healer to cut the cord on her negative, draining attention and put up a shield.  I am not joking.  It was expensive.

stay tuned...

The Emotional Vampire - Part 1

Ever lived by the philosophy of never burning any bridges?  Stop living by it and simplify your life!

I began writing this real-life story about a month ago.  At that time, it seemed spiteful and maybe a tad
unsavory.  Upon the suggestion of a voice of reason, I decided not to post it.  Now that the feelings behind the reason to write the story have subsided... it feels very reasonable and cathartic to share the journey.  One of my demons has always been my inability to let go.

As time have passed, I've had plenty of practice letting go of small things and big things... and each instance would be difficult but it would always lead to a higher level of self discovery and personal growth.  I hope my reflective cautionary tale will serve to remind any of you reading that if there is someone in your life that you find incredibly boring, tiresome, draining, dramatic, irrational, repetitive, negative, calculating, judgmental, critical, entitled, and just generally a waste of time... get rid of them!  You'll be better off.

PART ONE

Today marks the successful end to an arduous and long process to remove a very unrelenting emotional vampire, aka EV, in my life.  As I came across evidence that this person has clearly moved on from the EV's fixation on 'us' - I was filled with relief and a personal sense of closure and triumph.

When I was in the worst leg of the journey in my early adult life - I came across this person and forged a bond out of a mutual affinity for complaining and ranting, ridiculous relationships, and an overall addiction to negative energy.  What I thought was a strong friendship turned out to be a ball and chain tethering me to the worst emotional history of my adult life.

During my attempts to lift myself from the pit of self-doubt and ambivalence by pursuing a career in acupuncture, the first signs of extreme incompatibility came rising out of the mire.  The EV came out in true form and lamented about abandonment and my lack of consideration.  How could you be so inconsiderate?  How could you be so selfish?  How could you clearly be such a bad friend when you were supposed to be a good one?  What about ME?!?!  Although I could not see it at the time, in retrospect, it is the first telling moment that the EV is a self-absorbed, victim-type emotional vampire.

In that same year, the first fall-out occurred.  After being force fed extreme guilt and obligation to go on a trip with mutual acquaintances - I embarked on the vacation while battling a relapse into a chronic condition I suffered mostly from ages 19 to 21.  I was diagnosed with IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and it had been on-and-off in severity for a couple years back then.  I was really embarrassed about it because of the nature of the syndrome, obviously, and that there was no cure or even tried-and-true symptom management.  Despite voicing my concerns, I was basically forced into committing to the trip... even after explaining that alcohol and lavish meals were pretty much the WORST things for my condition.  And I had no money as a student in a masters program... but I had to go because I had promised I'd go!!!  It was a disaster in its own right without any additional health complications and I decided to end it then and there.  I booked an early flight and went home before it was over and decided it was time to ditch the awful friendship.

Back then, I did not have all the wisdom and fancy psycho-therapy to simply continue walking away and never look back.  We went back and forth, back and forth, and back and forth... until we just became "friends" again.  The irreversible damages of that incident carried through in my mind for about two years as I navigated through the difficulties of my failed first career path.  I decided to pursue a new career path... and the EVwas there to vapidly cheer me on.  Yay...