A Creative Application

I applied for a freelance writing job at LivingSocial about a month ago.  I just thought that it would have been so much fun!  Anyway, I never got the call... but my friend Dawn was interested in reading the little blurbs I created anyway.  So, here they are...

Deal #1: 
Poppy restaurant (Seattle)
$25 for $50 of Food and Drink

At Poppy on Seattle’s Capitol Hill, drop the wimpy sampler platter and make way for the Herculean “thali” – a feast of Northwest inspired morsels served in a surge of small dishes. Pay $25 for $50 worth of food and drink – discover exotic sounding foods like Yarmuth Goat Cheese Flan, Muscovy Duck Breast, and Batata Wada. But if you get cold feet, never fear – you can always swaddle yourself in the warm, fuzzy comfort of a Hazelnut Coffee Buttercrunch or a Chocolate Malt Sundae. Happy Hour is Sunday-Thursday from 5pm to 7pm, where else will you find a $3 draft beer to wash down your thali? So dust the humdrum off your skinny jeans and get this deal. Share with friends or eat it all yourself – we won’t judge.

Deal #2:
Miami Standard Spa
90-Minute 'The Standard' Massage
Regular Price: $150
Deal Price: $60

You’ve got your nose to the grindstone every day and it’s no wonder you ache everywhere. Instead of shelling out for an ergonomic grindstone, hobble over to Miami Standard Spa for some holistic healing. For $60 (regularly $150), get a 90-minute “The Standard” massage. Consult with an experienced massage therapist who will patiently interpret your every knot and kink.  This massage is the spa’s namesake but nothing is standard about it. Unless standard here means using custom therapeutic bodywork techniques to bring about a stupefying euphoria enwrapped in a miasma of hydro and aroma therapies. Then yeah, it’s pretty standard. Massage sessions are all in-room treatments to provide a private and insulated sanctuary so you can ascend to a nirvanic state of peace and awareness. Individual results may vary.
 

Drop it like it's hot...

Will and I had signed up for an introductory First Dance lesson so that we wouldn't just be weeble-wobbling around for several minutes to the boredom and snickering of many.  In terms of Good/Fair/Poor... the lesson was: FAIR.

It was great to learn good dancing posture / photo tips, advice on how to avoid tripping over the long skirt, and a couple fancy twirls, walks, and dips.  It was awful to be "instructed" by a Mean Foreign Lady for an hour. 

On Sunday, we returned for our second lesson and M.F. Lady was nowhere to be seen but there were a bunch of people dancing inside.  So we waited inside the air-conditioned studio for a bit until some girl rudely told us that they're only renting the studio for practice and don't run it.  I told her who we were waiting for and she said "I don't know who she is but there is nobody here to help you."  B*tch!!  We left and of course we receive an apologetic phone call from M.F. Lady several minutes later saying that she was "in the back making coffee."  Yeah, ok.  Whatever.

We dropped her like a hot potato and canceled the series (good thing we didn't have to pay up front) and decided to do the rest ourselves.  I burned a CD with the song looping 15 times and we choreographed the whole song in like 35 minutes.  So, we shall see how this do-it-yourself first dance will end up!

First Dance Song: The Way I Am, by Ingrid Michelson


TREASURES FROM EUROPE

On quite another note... my friend, Dawn, went on her annual European vacation and came back with goodies for me!

I asked for a Union Jack umbrella, but apparently they are much harder to come by than one might have thought.  hmmm...  So, she brought me this exquisite Bone China commemorative plate for the 100th anniversary of the Titanic!  I LOVE IT!  For those of you who may not know... I'm a little obsessed.

She also gave me this little guy from Prague - Czech him out!  He is a Golem from Jewish folklore.  He is made out of clay and if an intruder should come into my home while I sleep at night, he springs to life and pounds them to death with his giant fists.

In the event that you come to my home and find yourself being pummeled by a titanic (ha.ha.ha.) Golem, this is all you do.  Simply deactivate him by removing the aleph (א) in emet (Hebrew word etched into this chest), thus changing the inscription from 'truth' to 'death.'

Voila!!

Thank you for the unique cultural gifts, Dawn!  I shall treasure them and continue to ALWAYS find any excuse to initiate enthusiastic conversations about things that other people may not appreciate but will smile politely and nod as I steam roll them with my excitement!!

Buttocks!

$UKI DAY $PA
(will the $$ keep me from being sued for libel?)
I have a monthly membership at this little spa place a few blocks from my house.  The Boss Lady (owner? manager?) is so annoying. She pushes products and services like no tomorrow... to a point where it's insulting!  She keeps telling me I need to use a bleaching face cream to reduce my freckles because they are "sun damage" and "early aging."  I told her I don't mind my freckles and she said "You liiiiiiiiiiiiiiike them???!?!!!?!?"  Her tiny little asian eyes almost fell out of her face.  *grrrrrrrrr*

So, Minion Facial Girl is like hardcore trying to get me to buy special shampoo for asian hair... face cream... sunblock lotion... whatever.  She has also been pushing me to do the Vitamin B-12 Injection for at least 3 months now.  She was trying to work the weight loss angle but then really honed in on the fact that I have been feeling soooooo exhausted lately.  I politely declined and also kept to myself:  *well, if you would shut up and let me relax... I could be catching a catnap right now... INSTEAD, I am listening to a 50 minute product presentation while contemplating my chances of contracting Legionnaire's Disease from that grungy looking steamer that's blowing possibly deadly vapors onto my face*

I told her I didn't want to do it because it will hurt. She said it doesn't hurt.  I told her that I used to work at an animal hospital and the cats definitely thought the B-12 injections were highly uncomfortable.  She swears it doesn't hurt.  *back and forth, back and forth*

Long story short(er)... I'm lying there with a mud mask on my face and a happy, bouncy, old asian man walks in with his pleated trousers pulled up to his chest and thick spectacles over his nose - a capped syringe in one hand and a cotton ball in the other.  "Hi! I am Dr. Chan!! Don't worry... this will not hurt at all!! I've done it a thoooooousand tiiiiiiiiiimes!!"

It HURT!  He gave me a shot in my right buttocks and it was just as uncomfortable as I had imagined it to be.  I didn't want it... so I think psychologically that made it worse.  Later, I discovered that Dr. Chan is an "eye doctor" as Minion Facial Girl calls him.............. I am not suuuuuuuuuure what goes into the education of an Optometrist (I shall have to get my friend, Jennifer's, thoughts on this) but whatever medical school he attended - judging from the height of his belt and thickness of spectacles - it was at least 35 years ago.  What business does this man have sticking needles into people's buttocks!?!?!  And he does Botox injections too!

Oh.  At check-out... Boss Lady was trying to tell me what a great deal I got for the injection because they also put B-6 in there, blah blah.  I feel so violated!  And then she tried to sell me eyelash extensions - which I already bought a Groupon to do somewhere else - so then she tried to get me to do a chemical peel.  Um, no thank you, I like ALL the layers of my skin.

Since when was it ok for a spa to inject people with vitamins??  And I see these things being advertised at our local grocery store - Sprouts!  There's no regulation on this?  I know they say he's an "eye doctor" but I'm starting to feel like Dr. Chan might have the same credentials as Dr. Pepper!!! 

-_________-  FAIL

SHAKE WEIGHT!
On quite another note... I've been going to the gym whenever I have extra time after work to try and tone those arms before the wedding.  I realized that from the chest down I will look amazing because my dress & jewelry will steal the show... and from the neck up I have 2 professionals working on makeup and hair.  That leaves just my flabby arms...

You are the weakest link.  Goodbye.

Since, I am (as stated above) exhausted - and quite pressed for time nowadays - I have been just doing some exercises with light dumbbells.  No, not like: heh heh... I'm being modest "light" - I'm talking 3lbs.  Don't judge me!

My coworker sweeeeears the shake weight works.  So, I used my Bed, Bath & Beyond coupon and bought myself a shake weight.  It is every bit as silly and humiliating as one would think it is... but not NEARLY as degrading as the parodies make it seem.  Hilarious South Park video, courtesy of Nancy: http://www.noob.us/humor/south-park-shake-weight/

I will be sure to keep everyone updated... but I will most likely never upload a video of myself operating this thing... much to the disappointment of a few.  LoL