It's been a very long time, but let's finish the saga...
Those of you who were in attendance at the wedding know that it went off
without a hitch. There were some behind-the-scenes emergencies (like
my first flower bouquet that committed botanical suicide) but I reveled
in my day with my psychic/energetic shield in place to reflect the Emotional Vampire's
emotional sabotage.
Afterwards, the euphoria of relief and relaxation took over as it was
finally over. The big day had come and gone... Will and I were finally
free to live our life again without it looming huge and important in
front of us. We took a mini-moon and escaped the world while we
patiently waited for hurricane season to pass before going to the
Bahamas at a later date - it felt glorious to take some time and get back to a state of normalcy. No more planning or preparations. It was awesome.
Soon after the mini-moon, October had arrived and I was becoming
increasingly dissatisfied with my boss at work (see previous blog posts:
Dear Department, Part I;
The Perfect Dozen).
I also realized that I couldn't continue my life in that fashion. I
was surrounded by negativity, I never saw my good friends for long
enough or often enough but I was routinely subjected to the EV's
draining negativity. It was ceaseless and had long crossed all sensible
barriers of courtesy and consideration.
In fact, in a forgotten
episode of the EV drama - she had come over to visit me shortly after my
jaw was unwired... or maybe it was still wired... after my mandibular
osteotomy. Even at that time she managed to spend over an hour
sobbing on my couch about her insanely dissatisfying romantic
relationship. I could only respond with mumbles and scribbling on a
notepad with a sharpie... I was tired, I was in pain, I was hungry and
slowly recovering...
Why would she lament at a person who can only respond by scribbling on a notepad with a Sharpie??
That
may have seemed like a worthwhile question at some point in my life...
but as my therapist, Dr. Gene, had said: "
Why ask a question you'll
never find the answer to and, even if you did find the answer, does not
matter?"
He is a very wise man and I am a better person because of him.
PART THREE
I was relieved to have completed the final obligation. Yes, having her in my wedding was my obligation to her. I began to execute a slow plan to gently phase The EV out of my life. She freaked the *eff* out
and launched into an outrageous public tail-spin. Fail. I had the
opportunity to come clean... and, again, I wussed out.
However, unknown
to her, she put the last nail in that coffin herself. For anyone who
had ever ended a friendship/relationship with anyone... there is a singular moment
of razor sharp clarity in your mind when there is complete silence in
your mind and the decision is made. And there is nothing that can be
said or done following that pin-drop moment that can change your mind. In the awkward wake of her catastrophic public meltdown (where I could see the guy behind her actively trying not to laugh-out-loud) there was an excruciating lull of impotent small talk. In response to my palpable disinterest in her update on her "best friend's" baby she said, "You hate kids
but for some reason you
looOooove ******'s baby. I don't even know why.
Are you going to love
my kids?"
No.
No, I'm not.
NO, because my affections
cannot be manipulated by guilt or demands.
NO, because I don't like
you.
NO, because we will not know each other when these theoretical
children arrive.
A major development in The EV's life arose
and I had a chance to make my position clear and, yet again, I wussed
out. I even sought the professional advice of my therapist on how to
make it plain what my intentions and feelings are - but my courage
failed and it prolonged the problem. I should've said something to the
effect of:
I am trying my best not to know you anymore, therefore, I would not like to be any further involved in your life...
but I just used moving to Las Vegas as my excuse.
Since I missed the chance to be flatly honest, I had to redeem myself with the fallout that would ensue. In true Emotional Vampire fashion, she lashed out with a vengeance - over text message and email. It was angry, it was accusatory, it called out my lame excuse for what it was - a lame excuse.
At that moment, I had a choice. I could've retaliated with a slew of messages that pointed out her every offense and my every self-righteous reason to kick her to the curb and not be any part of the hot mess in store for the future. To devastate her with daggered opines of her relationship, her life... her as a person. But! That would've just been a replay of the same exact crap from our first fallout years and years ago. It would've dragged on and on... and who does that hurt in the end? Myself. I would've been in emotional turmoil for days or weeks and then at the end I would've just been stuck being "friends" with The EV, again.
So, I sat down and worked through it with pen and paper:
- Anger is seductive.
- In this situation now: is it more important to be right or to keep harmonious peace?
5 Guarantees
1)
I cannot control what The EV chooses to think: I am selfish w. a lame excuse.
2)
I cannot control what The EV chooses to feel:
extremely hurt, offended, & entitled.
3)
I cannot control what The EV chooses to do:
make me aware of my offenses... OR
how The EV chooses to do it:
by making me feel guilty/ashamed and telling everybody.
4)
If I choose to do (or think I can change) any of the 1st 3 Guarantees...
5)
I will feel:
inadequate, frustrated, angry, and depressed.
What I Do Have Control Over
a)
What I think:
she's stupid & self-serving.
b)
What I feel:
annoyed she's trying to draw me into the drama.
c)
What I do:
stay firm
d)
How I choose to respond/react to what The EV does:
stay calm & rational, don't get seduced (by anger)!
5 Questions
1)
What do I feel about this situation? See above.
2)
What do I want in this situation? Not to be involved/obligated in ANY aspect of her life.
3)
What do I need in this situation? For the drama to end here.
4)
What am I responsible for/control in this situation? How I react, my emotions, my commitment.
5)
What do I need to do to take care of myself? Acknowledge it was the right decision. Let go of my desire to be right. Not to unleash my fury & try to hurt her to get petty revenge.
So... I stayed neutral. I fed her no energy. I remained polite. I held firm. And, eventually, it worked. She stopped contacting me altogether.
I felt it was important to dig out the above entries in my therapy journal because... this stuff is hard! We all have certain Emotional Vampires in our life that come in all forms and, sometimes, we have to actively get rid of them by psychically shouting: GO AWAY! I met up with an old friend this past weekend and we both shared how liberating it was to remove bad people in our lives, to move on, and to evolve. To open up room for more worthwhile people.
I love my friends and would happily share their hardships and burdens in life. Friends should be there to lend each other strength and lift the other person up when they can't do it themselves. The friendship itself should never be the burden. I am happy with all my friendships and relationships in this part of my life's journey.
Are you? :)
Yesterday was such a wonderful day at work because my Lead & Supervisor treated me and a teammate to the Main Street Casino Station Buffet to celebrate our 100% WOW Call! I'm very happy I got one in March because I got to include it in my Zappos resume for the specialty team I applied for. I just did a written test for that position and I'm waiting to hear back on a possible interview... *fingers crossed*
Today was another story. I woke up super, duper, insanely, out-of-this world sore from the Body Pump class that I took at the Las Vegas Athletic Club with a friend yesterday. There's like... *Oh yeah! I worked out HARD!* kind of sore... ... ... and then there's... *I want to get a doctor's note for a temporary wheelchair* kind of sore.
Afterwards, I waddled over to the fish tank and just stared at all my little critters for a while. The tall spiral shell in the front with the weird thing protruding out the left side is my nassarius snail - I call them all Snorkies (because of the snork - they use it to smell). The one in the background is also a Snorkie... they troll the substrate (sand) of the tank for leftovers and algae and such. They keep the substrate aerated to prevent growth of bad bacteria. The big shell on the right is actually the back half of Big Claw III - he has blue and black legs... but I didn't catch him in the picture, oops.
Another thing I noticed is that we have a gigantic colony of copepods! We first introduced copepods to the tank when we had a Scooter Blenny "Scooter"and my 6-Line Wrasse "Marcy Darcy" living in the tank. They have since then unfortunately succumbed to either: Ick, Popeye, or Starvation. Scooter needed a special diet of copepods but we didn't have enough to support him, so we think he may have starved to death (O.o SO SAD!!!!!)... and Marcy Darcy got this weird discoloration in her scales and then just died one day. Anyway, the surviving copepods must've stayed in the sand and live rock crevices and reproduced. I saw a whole bunch of them fighting for little food pellets at the bottom of the tank! I'm thinking now I can get another fish whose diet is mainly composed of copepods. So, we shall see. The Summer of 2013 tank annihilation (we lost Bean *boy clown*, Marcy Darcy, and Scooter - as well as Kevin Tran the Starfish and all my little corals) really made me too sad to get any new fish... but we may start again soon.
